Saturday, February 4, 2012

Things a Postman says

 Don't you mean Postwoman

No, actually! I always wanted to be a postman; it's traditional and as you can plainly see, I have the trousers for it.

Before I start, you will see that I am the very proud owner of the new Kindred Spirit award. The Lovely Sarah Mac awarded it to me, and she is one of the reasons that I continue to blog. When I began, I knew I wanted an outlet for myself but didn't realise I'd be opening the door to friends. It has been a surprise, delight and support to me. She is definitely a kindred spirit and in her fantastic blog, I sometimes feel she is my West Country doppleganger. However, since she is tall and willowy, more like a negative of my much shorter, rounder self.

I look forward to welcoming any new friends to PP and to finding more kindred spirits x

So, things a Postman says:

  •  Knock! Knock! Knock!   Good afternoon Sir, can I have your mail back, it's for next door
  • Ratatatat!  Hello Sir, can I give you this? (hands over awkward package and clocks the customer looking expectantly at the pile of mail in my  his/her hand)    Yes, you may have more mail Sir, but I actually start at the other end of the street and , well your parcel was getting on my nerves  Customer(gamely):  See you soon then.                                                                                                                           
  • May I say Sir, that is the most splendiferous moustache!
  • Roll up the magazine and the minute the dog grabs it, pull it straight back out through the letterbox quick! It won't do that again  - but it wasn't me who told you.
  • Knock! Knock! Knock!    I am very sorry to ask you this Madam, but can you take me to 49a please. I've looked and looked.
  • Sign here, Sir. Print on the top then sign on the bottom.     Do you have a pen? 
  •   Knock Knock !  Sorry Sir, Just returning your pen.
  •  It's not so bad as long as you're working
  • Yes thanks, it is cold enough for me
  • It's OK if you keep moving
  • Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I hope that's a dog's toy!
  • Yes your post is a bit damp but if you would care to look at me for a moment then I think we can put this into perspective.
  • Hahahaha! No Sir, I can't take that to Basingstoke.
  • That frikkin dog from number 50 nearly had my hand off through the letterbox this morning!
  • There is blood all over the mail for my route this morning. Who would be so unprofessional?  What if they had something? Why didn't they get a plaster? After bleeding on the first 20, you'd think they'd have sought help, unbeliev......     .........Boss, where's the first aid box? I've cut my finger!
  • Haha! No, I didn't manage to take your mail to Basingstoke.
  • You can leave your handbag in the depot no worries. No one will touch it.  Best take your uniform home though.... ........
  • Either number 52 has bought an identically vicious dog, or the one from number 50 has dug a tunnel!
  • Ha..Basingstoke was lovely, Thanks.
  • Isn't that your telephone ringing? My Mum's fine, Thanks for asking? Erm, telephone.. No Dad isn't too well. Tel... No my Mum isn't Jackie. Answer your frikking phone!
  • Member of Public:   That's not a local accent is it?
                            Me:         No, I'm from Hoochter Chuchter*  in Fife
                            MofP:     Oh, I know Hoochter Chucter!              
                                             silence      pin drop        very quiet       bit more silence        nothing

       Me:      Horrible isn't it?
       MofP:  Didn't like to say.

And finally, an anecdote.
 During the course of my day, I come into contact, either hither or thither with young men. One in particular blushes profusely every time he sees me and finds it difficult to keep eye contact.
 I was just congratulating myself on 'life left in the old dog yet' syndrome when, in a rare moment of self awareness, I realised that the poor young man is mortified because a middle-aged tubby woman from Hoochter Chuchter looks at him with the clear desire to eat him with a spoon.

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent (and me from being stabbed)


  1. Haha, THANK YOU PP :) I am immediately forwarding this post to my doctor so he can learn to say 'tall and willowy rather than 'tall and thin'!

    Hoochter Chuchter sounds like the equivalent of Bridgwater in Somerset, whenever you ask someone where they are from and they say 'oh, you know, out of town' you know damn well they are avoidng telling you they are from Bridgwater!

    Your anecdote bring painful memories of an incident in Sainsburys last night (but that may appear in another post).

    Hoping I haven't shot myself in the foot by posting the award over the weekend, alway a slow time for blog traffic (didn't think!) and hoping it brings many readers your way to enjoy you as much as I do :) xx

    1. Bridgwater sounds so idyllic too! Don't be going there after dark now you've posted this and if you absolutely have to go,wear a balaclava at all times.


  2. PMSL! Very funny! As a fellow Chuchter I am intrigued as to whether it's anywhere near me! Where I live is, well, interesting but I must've liked something about it because after 'emigrating' to Stirling for 10 years I decided to move home again. I do believe there are worse places in Fife but I think our village was the cheapest place to buy a house in Scotland, em, says a lot really. (has a Loch, rhymes with smelly)

  3. Very near there, but a bit bigger Claire.
    Weird you should say that in any case as I too have been weighing up whether sun and a better standard of living is more important than friends and family and the North Sea. As my mate says, he travels the world but Hoochter Chuchter is as good a place as any to have a base if you don't want to be anywhere but your friends and family are there. x