Sunday, April 26, 2015

'Be Reclusive Not Rejected' ....Discuss

Weird dreams I have been having of late ---weird! Are they telling me something?
Followers of psychotherapy believe that everything within a dream represents an aspect of the sleeper and my dreams have been about coupling.
The world of love a bit of a mystery to me. I crave it yet I run from it. Mine is a world of goodbyes. I feel like an actor who says that despite his success, he is waiting to be discovered a fraud. I simply cut out the success bit and assume the fraudulent position straight off the bat.

I do this in a number of ways. The first is by focussing (a la Jerry Seinfeld) on a trivial thing that becomes insurmountable in my mind; an over long eyebrow; laces that do not match the shoe; a curl that curls the wrong way or an overloud gulp. I make it very known that it's very irritating.The second wave - if those defences fail - is to take any attempt to give me a compliment as a sign that my date is desperate or deranged.
If I still can't shake them off, then in order to bring the situation to a swift resolution, I indulge in poor behaviour brought on by confusion and self doubt. This, I am ashamed to say, often involves flirting wildly with others or blowing hot then cold then desperate, which is not unlike being in Newcastle on a bank holiday.

I have avoided this behaviour successfully for years by making no attempt to find a partner. There was one marvellous week in Brighton a while ago where I had my cogs oiled by a young buckaroo but really, that was very much the exception rather than the rule. It precipitated a period of sexting which we entered into with gusto for a while, but which ultimately left us dead inside. He mentioned it first and I was grateful to him: the young are so much better with their emotions. So we apologised to each other in a very British way and thankfully we have never waivered simultaneously. We may have started unconventionally, but we provide solid, good old-fashioned and polite penpal services'd never have known...unless one of us is drunk on Sauvignon Blanc or stoned on something smokeable.
 So these dreams: As ever my weight was bothering me and so in the first,  I seemed to be represented by a chubby friend of mine who is in a long-term relationship. Whilst I slept, she was out and about chatting up all sorts and making overnight dates. When I took her to task, she said that she would never tell her partner because she loved him and would never leave him. But, she said, she needed more than he could give her.
Is that me; wanting to stay true to myself but needing more?  Her approach would  certainly be a change from my current mantra -' Be Reclusive not Rejected'  Yes...If I spread the net wide...a few fish might swim in by mistake.
 The second was about an old beau who had turned out to be a charlatan.  In the dream, he had left me a note which I was rereading for the first time in years.  It contained a flight number and a note  encouraging me not to lose faith in him, he just couldn't stay whilst he felt like a fraud.  Hmm...this psychotherapy shit might have something. 


  1. Ahh, dreams PP. My dreams are so elusive and yet last night I dreamed of the ponies we had when I was a child. To be more precise I dreamed of the day we said goodbye to them. Watching them being loaded onto a horse box, wanting to run up to them and hug them, tell them I loved them and was going to miss them but, in reality, holding back, watching from a distance as they resisted leaving up and were finally driven away. I don't know where that dream came from but maybe they do say something about me ... So good to see you writing again and an email will be winging it way towards you very soon! xxx

    1. There's a beautiful piece of fiction in that S!