A Merry Christmas may not be on the cards for Sarah Mac this year but I post this in the hope that New Year will be better and note that it is a day closer.
Sarah Mac, this year you have been an inspiration, support and a friend. You had been on my mind constantly over the last few days - even before I read your post- because it seems so odd not to be able to send a card or a text to someone you care about at Christmas. In other circumstances, I would tell you about my new job and we'd laugh about it and I'd ask you what you were having for Christmas lunch. I was hoping all was better, well even! It seems not and I know the hollowness you must be feeling just now for it has happened to me. It won't help today, but if it happens again, the trick is to plan and to learn to turn this particular negative into a positive. It took me a few years to get the hang of it but it can be done, I promise.
But for now, look after yourself. If doing/thinking of stuff is painful, then do nothing. Do not give the sadness energy my fabulous girl. Get those smellies and Pingu vids out, whatever was in the box.
Know that I am here and thinking of you.
Do you mean after I've made the lunch boxes and dropped you off at school? Ah you do! Right...
Today for example, I tidied up a bit and printed off everything I needed for my interview and did a bit of ironing.
Then I got ready and drove the 20 mins to the interview and was there for one and a half hours. Then I drove into town and did the shopping and waited for The Elf outside New Look as we arranged except it was freezing and raining and someone in a luminous tabard and a hat with ears was flashing me his best sexy smile and complimenting me on my shoes and begging me to chat to him. To be honest, if he wasn't trying to sell me a guide dog , I maybe would have flashed my best cougar smile back and tried to sell him some socks.
Then, as you know, we met you and forced you to carry a shopping bag to the car and we all drove home where I put your dinner in the oven and unpacked the shopping before taking The Elf and driving the half hour down the A47 to Short Shorts' school for her parents evening. After a mixed hour and a half, we set off for home and once back, dropped your little sister off at her school play before coming home to discover you'd not left me any dinner and I ate two crunch corner yoghurts before e-mailing the teachers we couldn't get an appointment with. Then I collected The Elf from her play and here I am on the sofa with you, watching Futurama because you want to, although it gives me a headache. Does that answer your question?"
"Think so. You're basically telling me that you've been sitting down for most of the day."
I am sat sitting in my lounge and despite appearances, absolukely sober although I feel a teensy bit squiffy as some sort of vertigo-like-thingummy sees me career to the left every now and again. I've already smashed 3 baubles and a shepherd.
It seems to be catching because I had a lunchtime phone call from school to pick up The Elf who had a migraine coming on. It is a funny sort of a migraine as it means you have to lie in bed fully clothed with the curtains shut and the light off feeling sick, whilst chomping your way through your lunch-box. Then you fancy watching TV with the sound off, followed by the urgent need to make paper chains with a dressing gown over your school uniform.
Hope I catch it!
So, as I said, I am sat sitting in my lounge with a blanket and leaning slightly to the left, feeling smug at having been teetotal for 7 months. My liver must be at least partly regenerated now. It's probably in a Christopher Ecclestone state before rebirthing as the full David Tennant or perhaps Matt Smith. I actually prefer the latter, but I wouldn't be prepared to die for the cause. Anyway, wonky ears, stuffed nose.. this may not be heading in a Yuletide-supportive direction.
So this December has seen Short Shorts get her first proper Saturday job in a shoe shop! Yes, the heavens have surely been smiling upon the house of Pammy. I may have to open an eBay shop to make space for all the new ones coming in.
Oh yes, and her GCSE's are looming large but that's not nearly so exciting as SHOES! and £4.50 an hour! Her photography goes from strength to strength and so if you have an old Apple Mac or photoshop to donate then a) how fantastic! Thank you
Snoryboy as we know, was let go by his old footie team which broke his heart .......but only briefly because a much better team has taken him on and plays him in a much preferred position. I am supremely happy about this as there is a more approachable brand of 'soccer-mom' in this team. No more Billy-no-mates for me on the sidelines. Look how supportive I am being here, despite the December temperatures!
His Duke of Edinburgh Bronze has been completed under duress with 2 full packets of plasters and was successful -from his point of view- only because it left his flapjack intake entirely unregulated.
School is not a problem to The Snorer despite the fact that something fluey/glandular kept him off school for a whole term.
The Elf is as ever, gregarious, happy-go-lucky, cheerful and energetic. It's infuriating. Secondary school has done little if anything to curb this. There are not as many hospital appointments or meetings as there used to be, but not quite so many snuggles either. She is a tall, willowy young lady.
Sometimes, all these combined factors, make me wonder if she's mine. There's probably an 11 year old, lazy, miserable over-eating high achiever stuck somewhere in a giggling,clean- living bob-sledding family; rammed into and overflowing out of a lycra suit, with doughnuts hidden in a helmet that receives Sky.
We have just hosted our 3rd and 4th couchsurfers. They were lovely. We wanted to keep them; two Italian sisters. They were unfortunate in that they wanted to be here for the Christmas fair but arrived just as it was winding down and getting dark. They wanted to see Burghley but even though I zoomed them there in the car, it was too dark to see it. They did however, see a deer. I found myself hoping there were no Italian deers, just so that we'd have offered them something unusual...maybe I should have ran it over. Then they opted to help me with the Christmas decorations just as weariness befell me and so they were treated to an interminable X factor final before they sensibly gave up hope and went to the pub....where the landlord informed them it was 15 minutes to closing time. Afterwards they enjoyed a fitful sleep on my sofa before being dropped off at a service station on the A1 to begin hitch-hiking back the way they'd come. They were only in the UK for 4 days. We know how to give foreigners a good time!
Anyways, back to me, me me! I just had another article accepted for the local rag and have been trying to get a festival goods business up and running and have had quite enough time- thank you very much - away from consultancy and advocacy.
So it's all systems go in 2012. If I ever get the websites functional.
Keep an eye on me at www.glampitup.co.uk and valyoume.co.uk. Now that I know you are watching, I will have to work on them.
I have gone up 3 dress sizes since having a break from my career, and I have been teetotal for the past 6.5 months.
This is only significant because, when I struggled with my weight before being teetotal, it was usually remedied by cutting out alcohol.
I have been struggling with this anomaly (or is it a paradox?) as my arse got increasingly bigger.
I also love being outdoors and paradoxically (definitely the right word this time) have spent less time outdoors than ever before now that I have the time to do it, and I soooo miss it! I do not enjoy wasting my days by watching TV. But that is exactly how I spend too much of my time.
About a month or so ago, I realised that TV was my new alcohol - it has a much stronger grip on me than I have on it. It is all about NOT being in the here and now of life, it is something that takes me away from my reality. This also puzzles me as I am happy with my home, my friends, my family. A friend of mine tells me she thinks it's an escape from an otherwise busy life, sole responsibility for 3 children takes a lot of juggling and organising and so, she maintains that I use it as a way to switch off. I don't feel that's correct. Maybe it explains sitting down after tea but not switching it on the moment they have gone to school. Nope there is something else going on.
I went out tonight and got into conversation with someone who has a similar profession to me. She's an art therapist who is reassessing the job she loves. I love my job, I just can't do it at the moment. I am burnt out.
I had an interview to be a postie this week (will let you know when I hear about it, it will be 4 weeks apparently) It will pay about a quarter of the wage I am used to but my dream job has always been to be a postie and the interview only fired my enthusiasm even further. I can think of nothing nicer than walking all day, watching the seasons change, being a pivotal part of the community and having little stressMy friend the therapist has also enquired about being a postie. She has sold her house because she fancied renting for a while, and has found it incredibly liberating. She does not have to constantly repair and improve this house. She can simply relax in it and she has found she has freed up a lot of her time.
I found myself telling her about the TV situation and she said that made sense to her because she stopped smoking 9 years ago, and food took the place of cigarettes
Now, my new friend told me, she always knows when she is stressed because she finds herself frantically looking for food the moment she finishes work -turns her car upside down. Knowing this, she started an exercise regime but feels that it will easily become an addiction. I replied that twice in my life exercise became an addiction and developed alongside a borderline eating disorder. It then dawned on both of us, that we have addictive personalities. I am lucky in that I never step so far over the edge that I can't get back. So, the food and the TV are not only the new alcohol, but they are new addictions taking over from the previous ones. So, so soooooooooo. What are the addictions replacing? Can I get to the bottom of that? What do I constantly need that I do not have/get? How can I sort that one out?
Answers on a postcard please. Otherwise, what's your addiction?