I have a cold and feeling very sorry for myself and so I am taking the easy way out with an article published in a magazine published locally. My second pay cheque for writing -how very satisfying!
...SHOWER WAITROSE TROLLEYS LIKE CONFETTI because once their job is done, they are simply discarded like a pole dancer whose bum has dropped (that's certainly what forced my change of career)
The small trolleys have those special little bits of levered metal that have been modeled on Arkwright’s till. They grab onto your list for you in case it lingers too long beside the frozen peas and you have to retrace your steps before dragging it back by its dog-eared corner. The lever thwacks it into place and there's no escaping, which is probably why folk leave it there. We are all G-G-G-Granvilles, terrified of losing a finger.
Since our Goodly Editor mentioned his delight and preoccupation with shopping lists, I have collected around 60 from Waitrose trolleys. I feel as though I know you all, in an abstract sort of a way. I have taken little pieces of you home dear Shoppers of the East Midlands.
As I speak, I do not now, nor have I ever owned a shopping list that I once saw attached to a shopper. I made it a rule never to liberate a list from a trolley that was still warm. I don't want you to worry on that score. I understand your concern. It would be as though I had rifled through your knicker drawer, and one has one's dignity. I can of course, gleam a little knowledge about you from the handwriting; a little shaky here, a tad spikey there, artistically floral on the odd occasion and with doodles that signify you have far too much time on your hands. I can take an educated guess what you are planning for dinner (amongst other things, you rascals!) and I am pretty certain that if called upon, I could give the police a brief description of you, if not a rough sketch.
I know who had just opened their gas bill while there was at least one ill child in the house "Calpol, ibuprofen, cloths and bleach, Antibacterial spray - kills 99% of germs!" , all written on the back of a British Gas envelope.
I know that Debbie* had just ordered a sachel and top from Boden and was planning a trip to Aberdeen. I also have her e-mail details because she wrote the whole week's menu on the back of a print out. Shame on you Debbie!! Did he remember to put that note by the bins when he went out? I will resist the urge to e-mail him and ask.
A lady who likes ready meals and olives has a hospital appointment.
I love this next one, it's hoping for the best and planning for the worst "Eggs, raisins, red wine, linguine, Man Tissues! Resolve and Nurofen"
Aptly, a senior citizen who likes fruit, TV magazines and The Woman's Weekly - has written her list on the back of a web page entitled:
50 Tips for Grocery Shopping - Zen Habits -breathe which would suggest that rifling through the Reduced section is not approached by everyone as though they were a child at a Lucky Dip!
A man who likes adventurous sandwiches has been on a Rutland Care Activity Weekend.
I know when you are tired and hormonal and sensibly opting for a vegetarian meal of chocolate, wine and crisps. I know when the family is coming round for dinner and when Heston Blumanthal has seeped far too far into your psyche.
I know when you have been in a hurry or have been meticulously planning or need to keep to a budget "Beans, spaghetti hoops, beer"
I strongly suspect the person with the expensive paper to be a spy for beneath his bold prompts for Italian coffee and kosher salty snacks, something caught my eye. I have no need of varifocals as I am not yet old enough, so I removed my 4 pairs of glasses and peered at the faint scribbles beneath the fountain-penned list, noticing as I did so, that pencil marks are barely visible on grey paper.... In no particular order they read
Red Grapes by wood slice crown supportive shield
verbal conf tweaked 4pm or before !!!!
If he isn't a spy then he's certainly up to no good. Tweaked and supportive shield should never appear on the same page in a God-Fearing house!
All and all, between choices of paper, handwriting, your plans, appointments and eating habits - I reckon I could just about work out where you live!
*Debbie’s name has been changed to protect the innocent. She’s actually Karen.
By Lesley Gibson