Sunday, February 12, 2012

Shadow Elf

 I knew that the unthinkable was going to happen as I slept.  I fought against it with maternal certainty but in the end all I managed to do was to delay it a little. I was panic stricken, terrified; helpless. 
My Elf was gone.

 Even within the dream,I would traumatise myself with the memory, over and over again; knowing that the moment that I stopped, the betrayal would be unforgivable. I would be leaving my child alone in that moment and for every moment thereafter.  Worse, I would have to accept that I hadn't managed to freeze time at the point of separation in order to keep her safe until she found her way back home. I would have to know, truly know that she was away from everyone she loved; unprotected against whatever/whoever had taken her away.
 How could I forgive myself? How could I bear that knowledge?  I didn't even want to try. I wanted to feel all the horror that there was in that moment, because it meant not leaving her alone with her horror now.Any memories of our life before were smothered by the agony of loss.

Last night as I drove home, in the glare of the headlights on the A14 and in the rain, a 7 foot shadow ambled across my path. I saw it quite clearly for it had a definite outline and an unmistakably mischievous gait.  In the hazy, rain-sodden darkness, it seemed to me that it saw me, knew me.
 It cannot be coincidence that I saw an Elf, have an Elf and dreamed I lost my Elf to the darkness.

When have you known unhappiness, the child lingers there, waiting to be consoled always.

Shadow Elf  is my entry for Yearning for Wonderland's Faerie Ring Contest. 

Visit the link above if you want to join in. For another of my competition entries this week, see


  1. You're a lone voice but bless you for that! x

  2. This was intriguing. I love the last line. :)

  3. A gentle comment on loss. Thank you for entering, Pam!

  4. You were all very encouraging, many thanks. In truth, it's part of a much longer piece that I chopped down to see if it would work for the challenge. In hindsight, it's left it a bit confusing but I have learned something! x

  5. This has got such a sorrowful tone... it's great that evokes without reveal, and captures a particular atmosphere.

  6. I've been to that panicked state, the one that you know it's coming, know there's nothing that can stop it, and dread it with every fiber...wonderful voice to the pain of failure and grief.

  7. I'm glad that came across. Many thanks both. x