Sunday, March 11, 2012

Shit Saturday Blues!

Not all shit, just a bit shit.

I have been on a bit of a journey recently, since the crush started (and yes, for those of you paying attention, it was the egg) and things got as intense as they could do without either party mentioning it. Now, I know that some of you will query if there was a mutual crush at all under these circumstances; surely it is all a figment of my elderly and desperate imagination?

Fuck off! You're wrong.

What happens to me when someone is interested in me, should be injected into mice and then found a cure for.

 Do I think to myself "Lucky, Lucky me!" ?

Yes I do.

 Do I think, "Excellent, let's enjoy flirting with this very handsome younger man" ?

 Again, yes I do.

Can I actually do that though?

Absolutely not.

Do I instead think to myself::
 "Eh up! That can't be right. There's a rip somewhere in the space time continuum that needs a wee stitch in it. What on earth does such a lovely young thing want with me?
 It must be a bet. Or something he does to make the time go quicker.
He'll be laughing up his bobble hat about this.
 Does he not see the size of my arse? Does he not see the size of my wrinkles/bags/thighs/bingo wings.

You name it and I will wonder if he's blind.

 For God's sake, the knickers I wear to work can be seen from space. It simply doesn't make sense.

 From time to time, his pleasure at seeing me was so apparent that I'd momentarily think the whole thing was quite reasonable.
Then I'd see him smiling and blushing as he huddled with me in a corner and I'd think to myself how ridiculous I was being. He was clearly mad as a box of frogs!
Surely my cellulite and beginnings of a beard would register with him shortly.
It'll would all in tears....... mine obviously.
So, you can see how exhausting this all is for me. Kicking myself constantly when something lovely is happening, takes a lot of effort. I have to be vigilant in case I get carried away with myself and actually start to enjoy it and worse, think that I deserve it.
Just when I had wrestled with all of this, talked it out, wrote it down and resolved to do just that, the balloon of intensity seems to have popped.
 I have a theory about this; I think it's cause I hoovered something when I had a spare hour and offered him an imperial mint. Nothing says 'middle age and heading rapidly for bus pass' more than hoovering with a sweet you can still buy in a quarter.
I'd have been as well asking him to hold a packet of Tena Ladies whilst I fished out change from my shopping trolley.
Obviously,I am comfier now that the universe is back in its proper alignment, but also terribly sad.

 I cannot make up my mind if kicking myself up the arse has just kicked the shit out of the situation, or whether we have both had a bad couple of days, or whether...or whether...or whether.... Do you see? Just EXHAUSTING!!!!!!!!
And why? Since never in a month of Sundays, did I ever think the outcome would be any different.

So, what have I learned from this?
I have learned (yet again) that losing something that I never had affects my self esteem.

I moped, I felt lonely, I wondered here my life had gone, I reflected that I have no-one to turn to in these desperate moments. Everyone I tried to contact was out or busy or going through a bad patch (selfish cow!) and I was friendless and alone in the world. Poor me!
It took a tremendous effort of will to remember all this:
a) Of the people I contacted yesterday and who were busy, 1 said they'd rather be with me, 3 offered to meet the following day, 1 called me immediately saying she was just about to go for dinner but she just wanted to hear my voice and could she call the following day. 1 called and asked if I was OK, and I said I was (when I wasn't) because I could hear she was in a rush and the line was bad. I recalled that I had been invited out 3 times in the last fortnight but hadn't accepted anything. I remembered that (and not for the first time) a much younger man had found something attractive in me, in spite of myself.
I remembered that when I meet people in the street they look genuinely pleased to see me and ask me to places that I don't go to.
So, who is holding me back?
Me, that's who. And it stops here.



  1. Crikey. Stop beating yourself up and remember that all the people in the world are strange and curious beings who put one foot in front of the other everyday to keep going, all the while struggling with feelings and doubts, and flirtations and kindness and love and smiles make the path easier to tread. Have a 'through the ether' hug.

  2. Thank You Libby
    and you are absolutely right of course. Had a chat with a mate and we said the same thing not half an hour ago.
    All in proportion now and thanks for the hug!

    Pam xx

  3. I hope it does PP - there's no one worse than me for failing to grasp the nettle* for fear of being stung.

    The endless bloody questioning, imagined scenarios and self doubt is just exhausting.

    It's time to stop questioning the good stuff and start saying 'why not' rather than 'why'.

    If this particular bubble has indeed burst then blow** yourself another one :)

    * yes, that WAS a euphemism

    ** that was too ;) xx

  4. OO, I like that euphemism!! Haha. Let's go for it! xx