Just say 'Yes!'

Until this weekend, I had not had a night out since I went to my friend's funeral in January.
Well I had; I had been to the dogs and although many,many people will say that I have been going to the dogs for some time, it was in fact my first time and I was so very tired after my first week of postie-ing that I was struggling to know where I was. Scarily, being teetotal, I was the designated driver on that night and could barely keep my eyes open. Oh yes, the others thought I was a barrel of fun!

But the funeral was a different kettle of fish. Although the day was filled with emotion and sadness, it was also powered by laughter and memories and love and hugs; faces that I have loved my entire adult life surrounded me and cushioned me, leaned on me, let me lean on them and we all told each other, as ever, how important we are to each other. It was as  though a carpet was being  weaved with the strands of lives that had already been lived together. On that day, they were fused together for eternity - an unbreakable bond.

I remembered my friend from the meal we had shared 8 months ago. (I was the one of only 2 members of a large 'gang' who had moved away from out hometown but neither of our ties have been severed). He had been so excited to have a meal in his favourite restaurant, just the two of us. He made it  absolutely clear that it was his treat and that he was proud to do that. He had very severe difficulties to battle with his whole life, my friend, and so money wasn't always available. He also had a bit of a reputation for having mothballs in his wallet. He showed me pictures of his new nephew, of whom he was incredibly proud -he had filled his life with meaning he said. G had never had a partner, I suspect this was because he felt his difficulties were a barrier and because he believed this, it became a self fulfilling prophecy.

Thanks Libby and Sarah!

Thanks for both your comments on the previous post. They helped loads and put stuff in perspective. I have removed the post to protect the innocent but appreciated the support xxxx

Shit Saturday Blues!

Not all shit, just a bit shit.

I have been on a bit of a journey recently, since the crush started (and yes, for those of you paying attention, it was the egg) and things got as intense as they could do without either party mentioning it. Now, I know that some of you will query if there was a mutual crush at all under these circumstances; surely it is all a figment of my elderly and desperate imagination?

Fuck off! You're wrong.

What happens to me when someone is interested in me, should be injected into mice and then found a cure for.

 Do I think to myself "Lucky, Lucky me!" ?

Yes I do.

 Do I think, "Excellent, let's enjoy flirting with this very handsome younger man" ?

 Again, yes I do.

Can I actually do that though?

Absolutely not.

Do I instead think to myself::
 "Eh up! That can't be right. There's a rip somewhere in the space time continuum that needs a wee stitch in it. What on earth does such a lovely young thing want with me?
 It must be a bet. Or something he does to make the time go quicker.
He'll be laughing up his bobble hat about this.
 Does he not see the size of my arse? Does he not see the size of my wrinkles/bags/thighs/bingo wings.

You name it and I will wonder if he's blind.

 For God's sake, the knickers I wear to work can be seen from space. It simply doesn't make sense.

 From time to time, his pleasure at seeing me was so apparent that I'd momentarily think the whole thing was quite reasonable.

Then I'd see him smiling and blushing as he huddled with me in a corner and I'd think to myself how ridiculous I was being. He was clearly mad as a box of frogs!

Surely my cellulite and beginnings of a beard would register with him shortly.

It'll would all in tears....... mine obviously.

So, you can see how exhausting this all is for me. Kicking myself constantly when something lovely is happening, takes a lot of effort. I have to be vigilant in case I get carried away with myself and actually start to enjoy it and worse, think that I deserve it.

Just when I had wrestled with all of this, talked it out, wrote it down and resolved to do just that, the balloon of intensity seems to have popped.
 I have a theory about this; I think it's cause I hoovered something when I had a spare hour and offered him an imperial mint. Nothing says 'middle age and heading rapidly for bus pass' more than hoovering with a sweet you can still buy in a quarter.
I'd have been as well asking him to hold a packet of Tena Ladies whilst I fished out change from my shopping trolley.

Obviously,I am comfier now that the universe is back in its proper alignment, but also terribly sad.

 I cannot make up my mind if kicking myself up the arse has just kicked the shit out of the situation, or whether we have both had a bad couple of days, or whether...or whether...or whether.... Do you see? Just EXHAUSTING!!!!!!!!
And why? Since never in a month of Sundays, did I ever think the outcome would be any different.

So, what have I learned from this?
I have learned (yet again) that losing something that I never had affects my self esteem.

I moped, I felt lonely, I wondered here my life had gone, I reflected that I have no-one to turn to in these desperate moments. Everyone I tried to contact was out or busy or going through a bad patch (selfish cow!) and I was friendless and alone in the world. Poor me!
It took a tremendous effort of will to remember all this:
a) Of the people I contacted yesterday and who were busy, 1 said they'd rather be with me, 3 offered to meet the following day, 1 called me immediately saying she was just about to go for dinner but she just wanted to hear my voice and could she call the following day. 1 called and asked if I was OK, and I said I was (when I wasn't) because I could hear she was in a rush and the line was bad. I recalled that I had been invited out 3 times in the last fortnight but hadn't accepted anything. I remembered that (and not for the first time) a much younger man had found something attractive in me, in spite of myself.
I remembered that when I meet people in the street they look genuinely pleased to see me and ask me to places that I don't go to.
So, who is holding me back?
Me, that's who. And it stops here.

xx

No Wonder No-one reads me

I have the attention span of a bluebottle.

In summary, since I was last on here:
 I have been ill (I believe that I mentioned that in my last post)
The internet went down for nearly a week and then just as suddenly, popped back on again
The painter has been here for the best part of 3 weeks,but not doing much at any given point in the day. House is in chaos
Washing machine broke down a fortnight ago and I haven't had the energy to do anything about it and so spend large amounts of time, sitting in other people's kitchens whilst their washing machine does the deed.

I have a huge crush on someone unsuitable and it's making me feel all girly and ridiculous and smiley and makes me want to write his name over and over on my pencil case with little hearts and arrows next to it.
It's not outside the realms of possibility (although it definitely should be) that he has an unsuitable crush on me. Not just impossible, but unfathomable!

So, that's why I haven't been here.

Pam x