Tuesday, October 11, 2011

All about me

I have forgotten Short Shorts' camera  today, so I have included photos that I took when I went to Burghley yesterday. I am lucky enough to live very close to it and love it dearly.

So, just recently, I have become sluggish and out of shape. I am very baggy everywhere, especially naked. I have good reason that I won't go into, but all the same-my beloved daily 3 hour walks have been a thing of the past for over a year as I put a similar effort into the Gilmore Girls and Pancakes.  I have been feeling stagnant.

However, within 5 minutes of coming out here to beautiful Rutland Water (I write in situ on my new Samsung Note book) I have discovered something very important about myself.
  1.  I'm freezing and
  2. The keys are tiny and my fingers are large
  3. I have forgotten to put my bra on
  4. I am a loner
  5. I have forgotten the mobile and so need to go home earlier than intended to avoid a Mildred Pierce situation.
Let's ignore number 3 by zipping up my kagoul and return to Number 4.

I love being alone. If there was anyone else here with me, it would spoil my experience and appreciation of the calm of the water, the rustle of the foliage, the wildlife that normally goes unnoticed and the nip in the air.  This is nothing new - it has always been thus. However, knowing I am a bit of a loner, rather than that I simply enjoy my own company, is a huge relief.
All these ruddy years, I have wondered why I have not been at events that my friends remember with fondness and I have felt a bit confused, baffled - hurt even. I have berated myself for hating Tupperware parties, for not wanting to have the closeness of having someone to see every day or an event to schedule on a regular once or twice a week basis. I simultaneously love my friends and would do anything for them, but can't move round in a social circle daily, I start to feel naked, or as though I was in a goldfish bowl. Again, I have a clearer view of why I used to drink that bit too much in social situations. Life makes a bit more sense.

And do you know what? It's OK to be a loner, another part of my jigsaw has slotted into place with a satisfying thwack! It makes life so much easier to accept yourself and not struggle against it constantly.

This is not to say I'm anti-social or a hermit! I like to make people laugh, I like to entertain, I like support, I like fancy dress parties; but these are milestones in a quiet life rather than vice versa .

5 teetotal months now.
  Strangely, never having been a ballerina, I have actually put on even more weight since stopping the drink. The alcohol must have been burning off chip fat!

What has brought me to this place of solitary clarity? Beautiful Rutland Water which has meant so much to me over the years and has always helped me to think. I love being outdoors; no-where else am I so peaceful and calm.

 However this past year, I have spent almost all my time indoors as I got to grips with this new me whose 20 year career has come to a voluntary stop and whose wages have decreased 10 fold.

My life needs to happen outdoors and this year off has allowed me to see it.

I'd love to know what makes sense to you in your life? What have you discovered about yourself that has changed the way you live your life?
Post the link in the comments section -I'd love to read it!


  1. Rutland water is so beautiful. I've been there a few times.

    I'm a bit of a loner at times too.

    I don't want the distractions and obligations of having someone around all the time and yet I get lonely. Not quiet sure how that adds up ...

    Maybe it's just a question of finding the right person. Either that or embrasing the solitude.

    Hmmm, time will tell I guess.

    Beautiful photos :)

  2. I'm solitary as well. Living life in the in-between places is what makes sense. Discovering that being in a big city for ten years was not for me and heading for the hills was pretty life-altering, I suppose.

  3. Sarah

    I used to feel lonely whilst needing the solitude
    but not now. I honestly think it's because I know myself better and am more integrated as a person that this has changed. PLeased to hear you like RW too, next time you are up this way....:)

    Robbie, I think you might be a step or two further on in your contentment than I. I have gone from large industrial town to small rural town and the next move will be smaller again. Would be interested to know what brought about the change though. x