We have discovered in our house, that we know when a spider has crossed a line.
We possibly could not define this moment to the satisfaction of London Zoo or the British Association of Spiders, Tarantulas, Arachnids and Related Diplopod Species (BASTARDS for short) but, we could definitely show them a spider who has crossed this line.
Oh yes we could.
He's in our porch.
With the door shut.
Now, I am usually a bit brave with that sort of stuff. Well, I wasn't but then I went to Australia and I was cos I had to be.
Then I came home and after a couple of years I wasn't again.
Then I got married and had a husband.
But it turned out he was terrified.
So, we'd get one of the neighbours in
Or I'd suck it up using the hoover nozzle.
Then I left him and I wasn't scared again because I had no time for nonsense or fear.
6 years passed and I remained unfazed. I have an old cotton bud box that I catch them in and then release them back into the... wild? ...The hedge in any case.
Spring followed autumn and despite that being very confusing, my son was trained in the ways of the spider trapping. He learned all that I knew, at my knee. After many moons, he too could operate the box until one day, he asked for a box of his own...The following day, he came down to breakfast with a full moustache and side burns.
But, even together, we are no match for Boris, who would need a box extension with an awning to begin to contain his girth. Maybe even a tent!
He really is a huge fucker.
My son is a scholarship boy and so I knew that between us, this problem was surmountable.
So, after much stroking of the sideburns and fiddling with the Rubik's Cube, we are in complete agreement.
We hardly ever used the porch anyway.