Everyone who knows my children, knows they like their mum to themselves. They have never had an 'uncle' in the 6 years since I split up from their dad but I have male friends. The one time they actually met a boyfriend, my youngest daughter was so traumatised that I decided I wouldn't bother again until she had bingo wings of her own. So I haven't. She's nearly 11 now and I've just been making do with Midsomer Murders and cooking sherry.
So, imagine how surprised I was when the following conversation ensued with her this morning.
"I have woken up with you in my bed again darling. 11th year in a row"
"I have no idea how I get here mummy. They must bring me. You know...."them".
There usually follows a bit of silence here as I try not to worry about who 'them' are because in any given 'Who can scare who shitless, quickest?' competition, I am usually both the winner and the victim.
"Have you got a boyfriend Mummy?"
"Unless he is happy with the free time I have between putting out the bins and unblocking the drain, I don't think it's something you'll need to worry about for a while. Why, what would you do about it?"
(The options have already been reliably tested: screaming; forcing herself between us and giving him a look that would curdle milk for 24 hours a day; refusing to do/say anything that could possibly be construed as polite; crying copiously and with remarkable staying power)
"I'd be happy for you mummy" I looked at her with quizzical scepticism
" No you wouldn't"
" I would. As long as it wasn't Graeme"
" No. I think Graeme knows your feelings on the matter, dear. You were absolutely clear."
"Or Justin"
"Indeed not, no"
"Or Billy - but he's married so you wouldn't be allowed anyway"
"No...(ahem)"
"Or Frank"
"Would it be quicker to see if there's anyone you do like?"
"I liked Tibi"
"Yes you did but he's back in Romania with his new wife and baby and he was never my boyfriend anyway"
"Where's that?"
"Eastern Europe"
"Awww!! That's a cute name for the baby"
I was surprised at the unexpected change of direction, "Pardon darling?"
"What you said, That's a nice name for it"
"?........?.....Romania?"
"Yes"
"That's not its name"
"What is it then? I thought you said it was"
"I've no idea what the baby's name is"
"Haven't you seen it?"
"No, of course I haven't because they live in Ro...I think they called her Sandra."
So, imagine how surprised I was when the following conversation ensued with her this morning.
"I have woken up with you in my bed again darling. 11th year in a row"
"I have no idea how I get here mummy. They must bring me. You know...."them".
There usually follows a bit of silence here as I try not to worry about who 'them' are because in any given 'Who can scare who shitless, quickest?' competition, I am usually both the winner and the victim.
"Have you got a boyfriend Mummy?"
"Unless he is happy with the free time I have between putting out the bins and unblocking the drain, I don't think it's something you'll need to worry about for a while. Why, what would you do about it?"
(The options have already been reliably tested: screaming; forcing herself between us and giving him a look that would curdle milk for 24 hours a day; refusing to do/say anything that could possibly be construed as polite; crying copiously and with remarkable staying power)
"I'd be happy for you mummy" I looked at her with quizzical scepticism
" No you wouldn't"
" I would. As long as it wasn't Graeme"
" No. I think Graeme knows your feelings on the matter, dear. You were absolutely clear."
"Or Justin"
"Indeed not, no"
"Or Billy - but he's married so you wouldn't be allowed anyway"
"No...(ahem)"
"Or Frank"
"Would it be quicker to see if there's anyone you do like?"
"I liked Tibi"
"Yes you did but he's back in Romania with his new wife and baby and he was never my boyfriend anyway"
"Where's that?"
"Eastern Europe"
"Awww!! That's a cute name for the baby"
I was surprised at the unexpected change of direction, "Pardon darling?"
"What you said, That's a nice name for it"
"?........?.....Romania?"
"Yes"
"That's not its name"
"What is it then? I thought you said it was"
"I've no idea what the baby's name is"
"Haven't you seen it?"
"No, of course I haven't because they live in Ro...I think they called her Sandra."
Sandra? Where's that? :-) hilarious. She should be careful what she wishes for...
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