Sunday, November 3, 2013

Back for Good (ness Knows How long)

Well Pamsters
 I have missed you. I have had writers block for some time now, and I think it’s because I have been denying myself the indulgence of my blog. I may not be back for good, but I am back for now.

It’s been a while. What have I been doing? Well, I can tell you what I absolutely haven’t been doing and that is writing a book.
 I’ve thought about it.
 I’ve known I can do it.
 I have the bones of it, but then I’ve had them for a year. 
Now I’ve taken to singing ‘Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem Dry Bones! whilst playing the spoons and eating industrial quantities of chocolate because as I’ve said, what I absolutely haven’t been doing with Dem Dry Bones is....
 writing De Damn Book.
 But, on the positive side, I have been learning an awful lot about myself and working out what else I want from life. Life is coming into focus which makes me feel that at 48, l am finally ready to have one. Hurrah for me. ..cream teas and scones all round.
Men have been a recurring theme this summer and I won’t bore you with the details, but mostly I have been absolutely clear about what I don’t want, what I refuse to put up with and what I do need from a relationship...progress indeed. This of course means that meaningless sex is mostly off the agenda but absolutely award-winning when conditions are favourable.
So this summer, I have found myself saying things like
 “I don’t think you can give me what I need in a relationship, but for now, this is what I want from you…Can you comply?” and, 
  “Before I agree to that, I need a guarantee of this” and 
 “I think that you are trying to make this problem of yours, into a problem of mine; whereas I am very clear that you have created said problem and have to live with the consequences. Please do not call again until you have sorted yourself out” 
and occasionally, I say this “                       “, because I cannot relieve the knots that people tie themselves into nor do I need to.
 All of these things happened with people who wanted to ‘tell me how they felt about me’. Who’d have thought that realising that none of them felt very much about me but obsessed with themselves, could make me feel more attractive rather than less? Certainly knowing yourself and having confidence is a powerful aphrodisiac. Now I just have to find someone worthy of me.
 So, what is it that men saw in me over a summer that they never saw before? A few words came up over and again, some of them I will keep to myself and savour in the late nights, but overwhelmingly it was this word ‘RELAXED’ .  It is true then. Confidence is the best makeover you can give yourself. My bum is as big as it has ever been. I can’t get into last year’s clothes, but I know myself.

I have never walked through life hand in hand with another person who has offered me support. I have never been able to offer unconditional love nor to recognise and accept it. I have not known how to love.I have not had that skill. I really hope that will change now .
This entry will disappear tomorrow for it is self indulgent but I needed to write it and send it off for me. Like a letter to Santa.

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